Sometimes life can hit you with a punch from out of no where.  While I knew that my wife and I would have issues getting pregnant once we received the PCOS diagnosis I did not think that my world would get turned even more upside down.  Despite all the prayers and positive thinking we received the news that without IVF treatments we would not know the joys of parenthood.  I knew in my heart of hearts that this was a serious possibility since my wife is a little older than I am, but I was holding out hope that it would be good news and that we would be able to start trying to have a family immediately.

A morning later I sit here typing this and wonder why is it I am so filled with rage I am ready to ripe down the building I am in around my own head.  having studied psychology in college it is natural to feel something at such devastating news.  My wife has shed many tears over the preceding weeks and last night also.  She has become philosophical and has even brought up the idea of adopting a baby.  While I am happy with that idea it just seems that there should be some kind of emotion I should be feeling other than rage.  I am a well-educated man who has felt the entire spectrum of emotions before.  I cried the moment I saw my wife walking down the aisle towards me last June.  I felt pride in my accomplishments through out my life.  I have felt sadness at the break up of my first marriage (yes I actually did for about a minute and then got on with life).

I simply keep coming back to the fact that I really don’t know how to feel about anything.  Whenever I have become depressed about anything I have always shut down and retreated within myself.  Maybe I am doing that again and just don’t want to admit the pain I feel.  I hate that Trish will never know the feeling of sheer joy at hearing some little person calling her mommy.  At standing there during all the big moments of another person’s life.  I feel like God has taken that from her because of me.  Sometimes I wonder if God is not punishing me for my past.  I know I was never a good person, but I tried.  But I know God never overtly punishes us for things.

Well I am guessing this will allow me to concentrate on my bodybuilding and creating a career for myself out of it (hopefully).