Month: May 2011

Where is The Hulk?

May 26, 2011 — Leave a comment

Why is it that I all of a sudden have fallen into a funk? Maybe it is something in my mind just not kicking in or maybe there is to much on my mind to focus on anyone thing. Whatever it is I am starting to get really pissed off about.

It has been like this for two weeks now. I don’t know what to do any more when it comes to emotions. Sometimes I think I forgot how to feel. I mean I can’t remember the last time I actually broke down and let it all out. Maybe it was when my grandfather died in 2006 was the last time I knew real raw emotion. I felt joy at my wedding and I feel joy everyday when I wake up next to my best friend in the world my darling wife. But I seem to be having a problem finding that pure unadulterated raw energy that used to fuel my workouts.

Back when I did bodybuilding in my early 20’s I had this raw energy that just fueled my workouts with a passion that was just intense. I can’t seem to find that right now. I know it is there, but how do I tap into it? This is going to keep me awake all night. Maybe I should never of taken up meditation. It seems to have calmed the inner beast. My friends call me The Hulk because of the amount of weights I can move now, but they used to call me The Hulk because of the way my eyes would go from blue to deep green when I entered into my place of rage and raw emotion.

Maybe unlike Dr. Banner I have been able to silence the beast within? Maybe I need to find my source of rage again so the Hulk can see the light of day again. I hate that I have no want or drive anymore. Everything used to be about creating a better future, but now it just seems to be about reaching my future safely. I used to believe that if you arrived safely into old age you never lived. Maybe that’s my problem.

Maybe I want to grow old safely instead of crash landing and flaming out. Whatever is wrong with me I need to find the beast again!  I need to feel.that power that comes with him and not be scared to live anymore. I need to find The Hulk!

Who to be angry at?

May 18, 2011 — Leave a comment

Sometimes life can hit you with a punch from out of no where.  While I knew that my wife and I would have issues getting pregnant once we received the PCOS diagnosis I did not think that my world would get turned even more upside down.  Despite all the prayers and positive thinking we received the news that without IVF treatments we would not know the joys of parenthood.  I knew in my heart of hearts that this was a serious possibility since my wife is a little older than I am, but I was holding out hope that it would be good news and that we would be able to start trying to have a family immediately.

A morning later I sit here typing this and wonder why is it I am so filled with rage I am ready to ripe down the building I am in around my own head.  having studied psychology in college it is natural to feel something at such devastating news.  My wife has shed many tears over the preceding weeks and last night also.  She has become philosophical and has even brought up the idea of adopting a baby.  While I am happy with that idea it just seems that there should be some kind of emotion I should be feeling other than rage.  I am a well-educated man who has felt the entire spectrum of emotions before.  I cried the moment I saw my wife walking down the aisle towards me last June.  I felt pride in my accomplishments through out my life.  I have felt sadness at the break up of my first marriage (yes I actually did for about a minute and then got on with life).

I simply keep coming back to the fact that I really don’t know how to feel about anything.  Whenever I have become depressed about anything I have always shut down and retreated within myself.  Maybe I am doing that again and just don’t want to admit the pain I feel.  I hate that Trish will never know the feeling of sheer joy at hearing some little person calling her mommy.  At standing there during all the big moments of another person’s life.  I feel like God has taken that from her because of me.  Sometimes I wonder if God is not punishing me for my past.  I know I was never a good person, but I tried.  But I know God never overtly punishes us for things.

Well I am guessing this will allow me to concentrate on my bodybuilding and creating a career for myself out of it (hopefully).

Cardio

May 11, 2011 — Leave a comment

Well cardio is always rough when you get back to it after being sick. Unfortunately I don’t have much of a choice. I have to keep dropping bodyfat. The decision has been made to push back my contest debut to October. This will allow me a little more time to burn off more bodyfat in a more controlled manner.

Gotta do stepmill after my workout this afternoon simply because I am playing catch up. So far I have only put on .5lbs this week. Chalking that up to being sick.  Will do 4 days of workouts in a row.

On a personal note I am thinking of looking into that part time teacher program districts have in place. Thinking I would much prefer teaching and what not. IT is slowly becoming boring to me and I am thinking I may want a change.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

The Average Joe

May 11, 2011 — Leave a comment

Well that is going to be the name of my weekly blog post here. Not going to say I won’t post other days, but I am thinking on Monday’s or Friday’s I’m going to post up an article about something that is for the 99% of us that may never reach the pros.

If you have ideas send them to me on Twitter or even post up here with some comments. I already have started to write the first article and it will be posted up on Friday. I think Friday’s will be the day I will post the article. Also going to try and maybe get my articles printed somewhere.

Hey

May 8, 2011 — Leave a comment

Well it seems that I suck when it comes to posting here in my blog which I need to really get better at. So here goes.

With today being mother’s day I seem to get drawn into the need to express my gratitude to my mom for putting up with my bs all these years. Then again I’m not as bad as my siblings.

So be kind to your mom everyday not just once a year.